What's OK to have while preggers?

Zoe Williams argues that the advice against wine, coffee, soft cheese etc is not backed up by research.

Telling People - [11th Week pregnant]

These are the people we've told so far, mostly in week 9 and 10. That still seems a bit early to me, but it's good to process.

• AW's best friend, who's about to give birth any day now.
• My major ex-girlfriend and best friend, who has 3 kids.
• AW's major ex-boyfriend and closest friend in the USA, who has 2 kids.
• My work colleague and his wife, a couple very close to us, who have a six-month-old son. He confided a lot of his 'new parent' feelings to me during the pregnancy and early days. Because we're close, he didn't hold back on the negatives as well as the positives. I thin he's regretting his frankness now.
• My Parents - my mother had pretty much guessed, after seeing AW in her first and worst bout of sickness.
• Aw's sister, at whose birth AW was present and which made her swear off ever having kids.
• Her Parents in the USA - AW's sister sat them down and told them, just as AW had done when that same sister got pregnant years ago. Then they called together and were nicely excited and positive, healing some of the rift from our recent trip to Italy. We're still going to wind them up by telling them we're calling the baby 'Jamal', though.
• Two old friends from America I've done some theatre with. One of them is a Republican book dealer and lecturer we stay with when we visit Washington DC. He played Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream when I was playing Bottom. The other was the lead in the first play I ever directed, and we stayed with her in Japan during the World Cup. She is living in London with her Columbian boyfriend, and has just discovered she's pregnant herself.
• My fellow Arsenal-season-ticket-holder mate and his wife, at whose wedding I gave the main speech.
• AW's work and coffee-bitching-session colleague.

And the RAC repairman, who was the first person in the world I told, while he was fixing AW's shitty Renault.

We bonded

Article in the Observer about a music journalist who takes his 12-yr-old daughter to Goth and Punk gigs.

Not only has it solved his estrangement from her after his divorce from the girl's mother.

It's also transformed the little girl from a bullied loner into an articulate, confident teenager.

Breakfast - [10th Week pregnant]

AW's sleepiness has more or less gone away, but it's been replaced by morning sickness.

You know how the pregnancy books say you should eat healthily?

AW's most reliable breakfast defence against morning sickness is . . .

Pop Tarts.

Tear it up - [9th Week pregnant]

Reading in bed by a dim light at 2am, I am surprised to feel my eyes prickling.

A tear trickles down my nose and drops onto the pillow. A couple of others follow its rivulet.

What's this about? Why am I tearing up for no particular reason? I don't feel particularly emotional. Fascinated, interested, I lie there and make a list of possible semi-subliminal reasons.

1. I'm reading the ninth-month final chapters of From Here to Paternity: The Diary of a Pregnant Man. Is it making me generally nervous about the birth and my role in that chaos?
2. The cat has taken to sleeping between us, stopping me from cuddling up with AW whenever I want. Do I feel lonely?
3. The sleeping cat has one paw curled over my arm. Do I want the sprog here right now?
4. Am I wistful for all the things a baby will stop me doing and seeing? Work, holidays, cinema, football?
5. Am I unsettled by today's news at work about possible redundancies? But I am planning to give up work anyway!
6. Am I distressed at the thought of AW in pain? I've been thinking about that a lot.

I've not got much idea. Possibly all of the above are contributing to this vague sense of melancholia.

But it's a bit weird, to have tears for no discernable reason.

I have wondered over the last few days if it's possible for a man to have sympathetic symptoms.

• AW has thrown up a few times over the last few days, and has felt generally nauseous. I felt nauseous this evening.
• One night last week we both went to bed at 730pm, feeling exhausted (although I didn't sleep).
• She gets up for work around 515am. Normally I sleep until about 615. But for the last week, I've been waking up about half an hour before her. Even though I'm going to bed well after midnight.

Rod reckons men definitely experience some mirorring of symptoms.

Telling Mum and Dad - [9th Week pregnant]

Today we told both set of parents. Grandparents-to-be.

Both sets already have grandchildren, by our younger siblings. AW's sister had a son nine or ten years ago. My brother's daughter is four.

My brother's son was two years old today. We went to my parents' house for a birthday meal and presents, and told them after all the others left.

Meanwhile, AW had already told her sister, who informed her parents over in the States. When we got home from my mum and dads', AW's parents called. They were quite nice.

This seems to have - has it healed the rift with AW's mother?

Countdown - [8th Week pregnant]

On the titles of these posts, I've been counting off the weeks. This is more to keep it straight in my own head than anything else. It's calculated from the first day of the last period they've had.

But I didn't actually know how many weeks there are in a nine-month pregnancy.

Turns out there's different opinions [still!] about how long an average pregnancy lasts! This is because only 3% are born on the due date.

But even so. I know nothing about statistics, but the number of births in the history of the world should have given some average.

But Nicky Wesson's Labour Pain: A Natural Approach to Easing Delivery mentions three calculations:

• 40 weeks - 10 menstrual cycles - (Naegele's Rule, 19th Century)
• 41 weeks and one day - for white women expecting their first child (Mittendorf, 1991). Black women, he says, and most women under 19 or over 34, are likely to give birth earlier than this. Can this be true?
• 42 weeks (Montgomery's Rule, 1837)

If my doctor says the due date is 19th Dec, but AW got a different date when calculating on the internet, I'd like to know who's right and which system they're using.

The online Medical College of Wisconsin's calculator also comes up with 19th Dec as our due date. It also helpfully points out

• the end of the first trimester (12 weeks) is Wednesday, March 28, 2007
• the end of the second trimester (27 weeks) Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Aha! The Babyzone online calculator similarly comes up with 19th Dec, and confirms that this calculation is a 40 week one. That's the Naegele Rule, 19th Century. Nicky Wesson is very disparaging about this one.

And if Mittendorf (1991) is correct, then our baby's going to be born on or after Christmas. Although AW is over 34.

It's going to be a bizarre Christmas.

NHS baby factory - [8th Week pregnant]

We've already selected the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital because we have a parking permit for there (and it's close to our Fulham Road cinema - though I didn't mention to her it was an added bonus). AW and I went on a tour of the maternity facilities yesterday.

The hospital is quite impressive, but the maternity tour unfortunately reminded us both of how much the wing is a factory production line of babies.

The group dynamic was rather cold, or, rather, people felt inhibited in asking questions. We hung around in the wide platform by the lift. Most of the 8 or 9 women were visibly pregnant, the 5 or 6 male partners with them silent but interested. I assumed everyone knew more than me. The tour organiser had a few well-practiced lines which were quite funny, but it wasn't exactly a welcoming visit.

One thing I've learned in life is not to be afraid of asking questions in group situations. I decided a while ago that, if I'm relatively intelligent and curious, and I don't understand something, it's likely that some other people don't as well. Numerous times after a meeting, especially if I'm the chair, people have said to me, 'thank you for asking that; I wanted to know but was afraid to ask'.

But in this situation, looking at AW's flat stomach compared to most of the others' sizeable bumps, it was clear that they would definitely know more than me/us, because they were that much further down the track.

So I shut up. But these are some of the questions I would have asked if we'd been on a tour of people at the same stage as us.

• We've got a doctor, but how and when do we get a midwife? Every bloody book and magazine I read talks about 'your midwife'. Who is he/she, and when do they turn up in our lives?
• My impression is that we have to have selected a hospital to get a midwife connected to there - is that correct?
• When do ante-natal classes begin?
• What do they entail and how much do they cost?

The midwife was frank and open about everything to do with the labour, which wasn't the most reassuring thing - it just revealed the time, staffing, and finance pressures on a maternity unit.

AW cried. We had had a few tense words in the few moments we had between meeting up and going on the tour. (Not a strategic move on my part). Then being on the tour, I could see, was bringing the enormity of the fear (labour pain/baby disability/change in our great life/British NHS vs American healthcare) home to her.

Can't sleep - [8th Week]

Came home from work late, got leftover Indian takeaway, had a minor argument with AW about finances, and fell asleep in my chair in front of Newsnight.

Woke up to a late-night programme on BBC2 about 'rites of passage' through childhood, and how modern life has eradicated, changed or blurred some important rites of passage for kids and teenagers: Christenings, the 11-Plus exam, past 'free-range' children vs present 'battery farm' children, transitioning from primary to secondary school, Bar Mitzvahs, confirmations, summer camps, puberty, proms, drinking, GCSE's, driving tests, Gap Years.

As you can see, quite an acceleration through the next 18 years of my life. I was left with vertigo, and now I can't get to sleep.

While cleaning my teeth, I read an article in Junior magazine about scans during pregnancy. I've kept coming back to the possibility of Downs, and talked about it with my close mate at work (one of only four friends who know about the pregnancy). He has a six-month old. Neither of us are sure how we feel about abortions, but are both married to wives who would be extremely unlikely to consider it.

The possibility of Downs has been nagging for a while now. It's more likely because AW is over 35.

Bank holiday - [8th week pregnant]

A lazy bank holiday while AW at work. Main event was lying in bed watching Arsenal Ladies beat Charlton in the Women's FA Cup Final, and clinch the quadruple (League Cup, UEFA Cup, Premiership, and FA Cup). Not a bad game, although taking Pat (Chelsea fan) to Ashburton Grove yesterday and clinching their failure to retain the title was a lot more fun.

Went to WH Smith on Notting Hill Gate, specifically to buy a Pregnancy/Baby magazine. Have never really looked in the women's section before. All a bit bright and breezy.

Picked Junior magazine, but needed a dose of testosterone afterwards. A boxing mag was in the sports section opposite, and I read a long article reflecting on the Marvin Hagler/Sugar Ray Leonard Superfight. I remember staying up late for that fight with my mate Victor when I was around 16. That was such a golden age for boxing, when you could regularly see great fights on terrestrial TV. Sugar Ray Leonard, Tommy Hearns and Hagler in the USA, Eubank, Benn and Watson over here. Barry McGuigan, Bruno and Tyson.

Happy days. Victor just visited us the other week, with his three kids, and we had a kickabout and picnic in Hyde Park. Come to think of it, AW was pregnant then, but we didn't know it at the time. I'm sure I would have paid more attention to the kids' football technique at their different ages.

Had a takeaway at my parents' house. I'm OK with waiting a few more weeks to tell them, but I have this nagging thought that one of them might die before they know. Where does THAT come from?

Dream Weaver - [7th Week pregnant]

Just woke up from my first dream about ineffectually looking after a kid. I assume there will be others. It’s panicky, like the dreams you have when you have a major role in a play and you dream you’ve forgotten all the lines.

Can’t really remember the beginning of the dream, but somehow I end up responsible for looking after an old schoolfriend’s kid. We’re not particularly close [in the dream or in real life], but for some reason Neil has asked me to take care of his son.

Anyway, in the dream the little boy is old enough to articulate some of his feelings, but young enough to still be wearing nappies. I wake up and he has run himself a bath, stripped off his nappy and got in. I feel a wave of relief and guilt that the water’s the right temperature, and begin to wash him, knowing that after the bath he’s going to have to explain to me how to put a nappy on him. Little bits of shit are floating around in the water. But I push that to the back of my mind as he begins to tell me how lonely he is at the nursery, because all the other kids have mummies and daddies, but his are divorced.

I know that I’m looking after him because his father asked him to. But the kid atarts talking about how wonderful his mummy is. Kathleen. Now I remember Kathleen [in the dream and in real life] from school as a dumb slag, but I go along with it, and agree with him, because he’s clearly not been able to convince the other kids at nursery of his mother’s worth.

I take him out of the bath and wrap him in a big towel, and sit him on my lap and turn on the TV. I remember I always used to love being envelope in a big fluffy towel after I’d just got out of the bath. But then the film on the TV is, like, American Pie or something, (it’s a comedy about sex, anyway) and I realise:
a) the rating for this film is too high for him
b) sitting here with someone else’s naked child on my lap lays me open to accusations of kiddie-fiddling.

That wakes me up.

I won’t be listing all my dreams on here, even though I suspect there will be others, because reading other people’s dreams are mostly boring. But as it was the first about kids since I found out we were pregnant, I wondered why it had those components?

First doctor consultation - [Seventh Week]

We went to the wife’s first contact with a doctor since discovering. We were registering her with a new practice, just round the corner.

We agreed on 14th March as the first day of her last period, which puts the birthday on 19th December. That’s right in between the day of our registry marriage, and the day of our church wedding service.

The quite nice doctor told us to look round hospitals and choose between St Mary's in Paddington and the Chelsea and Westminster on the Fulham Road. Then we come back to let her know next Friday.

There's not really a choice - we have resident's parking outside the latter, so that's where we'll be going for scans and any classes. By the time of the birth, we'll be near AW's work in Cambridge anyway, so we'll have to become familiar with another hospital.

The discussion about scans for Downs sent me worrying when we got home, but I only had twenty minutes to brood before I had to go to the Globe Theatre to meet Farah and Jane for the opening night of Othello.

Going to the Globe for work or a play, I always catch the Central line to St Paul's Cathedral, then walk across the Milennium Bridge towards the Tate Modern. If you can have stunning vistas, you should.

Had lamb cutlet, chips, houmous and pitta in the Greek restaurant, then stood at the side to 'hear' the play. Tim McInnery (Percy and Captain Darling from Blackadder) played Iago, in a decent production. He only dried twice (that day in rehearsal he forgot loads of lines), and everyone was emoting a bit too much, but I think it will settle down into a good show. Freezing cold night, after a few weeks of warm weather.

AW has the heat on in the flat, thank God.

In the doctors' waiting room, and in the consultation, and afterwards at home, the real possibility of Downs Syndrome was discussed.

AW is 36, 37 next month, and obviously the risk is higher. But AW will not have an abortion, and I knew that before I married her. I’m not sure where I stand on abortion, but having the decision made for me means it’s easier. The way I’ve been feeling recently, that my whole life is going to change anyway, I feel, ‘bring it on’. But at the same time, that was my lowest point so far.

Throughout the last two days, I’ve been dwelling on all the things which could go wrong. Downs, hospital error on the birth-day itself (thanks to a terrifying BBC doc last night), kid becoming a chav. It’s terrifying!

New Surgery - [Seven Weeks]

The surgery where we used to live can fuck off. They don’t think it’s necessary to see the Septic until she’s 12 weeks’ pregnant. American Woman’s best friend Canadian Journalist, who is seven months pregnant, thinks this is bizarre.

We need to change our surgery to somewhere close by in Notting Hill – and so, today, I do that.

It’s literally a few doors away from us. The bonus of this surgery is they interview you when you register, so American Woman’s first interview will necessitate a doctor getting on board with this pregnancy.

We need to know stuff!